in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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