Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
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As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
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I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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