I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
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Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
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We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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