apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
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He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
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I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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