You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize