Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
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Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
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Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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