In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
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I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
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My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
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