Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
