Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Floor bacon is actually really good
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize