Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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