dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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