Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
That accounts for only three of the penises
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize