I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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