right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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