i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
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We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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