i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
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I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
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Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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