If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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