dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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