hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
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And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
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It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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