i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
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That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
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I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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