I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
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Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
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Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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