The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
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He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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