I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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