Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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