Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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