Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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