Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize