This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
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Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
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And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize