i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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