You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
