I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
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So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
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I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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