i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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