Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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