Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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