This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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