real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
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My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
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OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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