Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
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we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
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Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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