do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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