I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
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I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
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I am one with the molecules
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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