I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
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He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
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I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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