how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
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He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
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I don't deserve a penis
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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