Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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