Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
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Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
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Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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