I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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