your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
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there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
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We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
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