last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
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while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
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Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
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