He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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