Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
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Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
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