I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
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I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
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You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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