My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
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I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
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Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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